Archive for March, 2008

‘The Hills’ Are Alive, Run for Your Lives

Reality TV has always been a big thorn in my rosebush because it’s an inherent contradiction in terms. It’s not real. Some producer set this crap up because “real” reality is too boring. Don’t believe me? When is the last time you watched the news? That’s what I thought.

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Alone in the Dark

Something like this only happens once every two or three lifetimes. It’s the kind of moment that should be reserved for people who find the cure to some horrible disease or prevent an entire African village from starving. People who have so much karma in their spirit accounts, someone in Congress is trying to think of a way to tax them for it.

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Hey, You Got Zombies in My Strippers! Well You Got Strippers in My Zombies!

If you like zombies (and who doesn’t) and if you like strippers (and you doesn’t), then have I got the perfect movie for you, you very very lonely man.

The trailer for the new direct-to-DVD extravaganza, “Zombie Strippers,” starring Robert Englund and Jenna Jameson hit the web this week.

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WWE Wants to Keep Making Movies, WWhaaaa?

When I heard that World Wrestling Entertainment wanted to make more films despite the fact the last three have bombed, I thought to myself, “The WWE has been making movies? Their wrestlers can’t even act well in the ring. What makes them think they’re such thespians?”

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Jason Voorhees is Back…Again (sigh)

Question: What do you do when your movie franchise has done so many sequels, it has run out of roman numerals to put on the end of its title? Answer: Why you start all over again. Creativity be damned.

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I Love it When a Plan Comes Together, Except This One

If you can’t even get out of bed in the morning without hearing some news about another big screen TV remake that rapes your memories of yesteryear for the sake of selling another $9 tub of popcorn, get your hand off that snooze button.

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“It’s Not Easy Being Green”

Most God fearing people think of envy as a deadly sin, a mortal blotch on your soul for St. Peter to see on your resume when you’re trying to get that sweet champagne supermodel pool boy gig in Heaven. Not me.

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‘Fantastic 4′ Won’t Make It to Three

The “Fantastic 4″ movie franchise has been anything but. The first one was OK. The second one sucked out loud. The third one probably would have made my head cave in.

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STS – Drillbit Taylor, Meet the Browns, Shutter

Once again we scan the local movie listings of your neighborhood newspaper (because it’s not like you actually read them unless the words “blonde,” “exposed” or “tassels” are in the headlines) to tell you what’s “Sure to Suck” at a theater near you.

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“Spidey 3″ Put the B.O. in Box Office

Movies like “Spider Man 3″ didn’t just help create the smell of old cheese and a thin layer of puke in every movie theater in America. It also made the cash register ring, which other than children crying and yawning is music to a film producer’s ears.

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More Dumb Movies »