Archive for April, 2008

‘Dark Knight’ Trailer Hunt Attracts Jokers, Real Serious Cops

Last Monday, all across the country, thousands of people were tricked into wasting an entire day to watch a trailer three days before everyone else. Well, tricked implies they were going to put their time to good use anyway.

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If You Thought “Hostel II” Was Torture…

Eli Roth, the man who used “Hostel” and “Hostel II” to launch the glorious world of torture porn, wants to make another film that doesn’t feature torture, but still feels like it.

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‘Da Vinci Code’ Getting a Sequel, No One Cares

Hey there America, did you like “The Da Vinci Code” movie? Of course you didn’t, that’s why they are making a sequel because you didn’t learn you lesson.

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Look! Up in the Sky! Is It a Bird? Is It a Plane? No! It’s Will Smith’s Next Mealticket!

The summer is just around the corner and you know what that means? There’s an avalanche of trailers for films that over budgeted, over bloated and just plain over the top filled with more explosions, destruction and mayhem than a monster truck rally that’s held in downtown Fallujah.

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Michael Bay is a Lying Scumbag, Seriously He Said So

If you thought Michael Bay was the most evil human being on the planet before, get ready to expand his title to the universe after you read this little ditty.

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Rob Schneider Cast in Serious Movie Role, Seriously

The name Rob Schneider can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For instance, the very mention of the name makes some people think of rotting dog turds that sit in the hot blazing Arizona sun baking in the backyard of an abandoned home while others think of rotting garbage that sits in the blazing Arizona sun baking in the backyard of an abandoned home.

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Dear Sweet Merciful Crap, Another Dane Cook Movie

There a lot of strange mysteries that make the universe a wonderful place to be a part of: the exact orbits of the planets, the creation of Stonehenge, the movies of Ron Jeremy. Then there are some that make you wish the universe would suck itself up into non-existence just so you can understand those mysteries because you know the answer will make you want to kill yourself.

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EW Calls Uwe Boll ‘Cinema’s Worst Director’

Entertainment Weekly, the magazine for people with coffee tables, recently asked the question, “Is Uwe Boll the worst director of all time?” They tried to answer this question by reviewing all of his films AT ONCE. We just like to say that you should never attempt to reenact this stunt at home. These people are professionals, even if they write for Entertainment Weekly.

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Tucker, Chan Teaming Up to Bring More Pain…to Audiences Everywhere

For once, we have some good news. Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan won’t be teaming up for another “Rush Hour” movie. But before you breathe that sigh of relief, you might want to hold it in, that and every other future breath so you won’t have to hear the news I’m about to bring to you.

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‘Prom Night’ Slashes Competition, Audience’s Eyes

America, you made “Prom Night” the number one movie over the weekend. America really needs to get out more.

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