Archive for May, 2008

Ed Wood’s Sucky Movie to Get Suckier Remake

Call me blind, but part of me loves the original “Plan 9 from Outer Space.” Sure, it’s badly filmed, badly written, badly acted, badly shot, badly edited, badly scored and (probably) badly catered, but Ed Wood’s got heart, something most directors who had more money to fuck around with than Wood did couldn’t muster if they bought enough blood from their starving teenage assistants.

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How Do You Make Video Game Movies Suck More? Add in a Heaping Spoonful of Brent Ratner

Thought video game movies couldn’t get any worse? Wait until you see what Brent Ratner’s got up his sleeve. Note to Brent: you might want to wash that sleeve before you put that shirt back on again.

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Wanna See Something that Sucks? You Can’t Go Wrong with Rob Schneider

If you’re looking for a horrible, rotten, terrible piece of cinematic garbage, you must live a very lonely and unfulfilling life. Hey, welcome to the club. You also can’t go wrong with the Schneidermeister, the Schneiderino, the Scheinderocre, the Sucktastic, never gone get an Oscarino.

His latest piece of miserable dreck is the direct-to-DVD dude “American Crude.”

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Boll Making Another Movie Due to Unpopular Demand

Uwe Boll hasn’t made a successful or popular movie to date, but that hasn’t deterred him from making another movie. He may be low on talent, but he’s high on determination and possibly some kind of homemade narcotic.

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What’s Sure to Suck This Weekend

It’s the weekend. We’re already two weeks into the summer movie season and the sound of the gas reflex can be heard from coast to coast. If you’re heading off to enjoy a flick during your Memorial Day weekend or if you’re one of those kids who has the summer off (first off, every adult in the world would like to say screw you), here’s what you should avoid at a theater near you.

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Movies that Have Been Out in the Sun Too Long

Hey, summer’s finally here. That means no more teachers, no more books, no more dirty looks from grown women who clearly had better career choices than to babysit your sniveling brats and try to stuff some knowledge into their heads to keep them from making the same lousy career choice.

So in honor of this momentous annual occasion, here are some bad suggestions for movies about frolicking in open coastal waters and being bitten in half by nature’s blenders: the great white shark.

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What’s ‘Happening’ Now With M. Night Shyamalan’s Next Twist Tragedy?

Did you like M. Night Shyamalan’s “The Village” or “Signs” or “Lady in the Water”? Me neither and apparently, he didn’t get the message because he’s made another movie.

This time, according to Slashfilm, Shyamalan has another film where the audience doesn’t have much idea of what’s going on whether they’ve seen the film or not called “The Happening.”

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‘The Mummy’ Returns, Hopefully, for the Last Goddamn Time

Can anyone count how many movies there have been? Maybe I’m just not that smart or I don’t want to revisit the fact they keep churning out these big budget horror-adventure films until the contents of my stomach churn up, flying out of my mouth and get slapped into a film canister and shipped off as the next “Mummy” movie. I call it being pro-active.

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What Smells Like Old, Dead, Rotting Fish?

Big budget remakes of successful movies really piss me off. They take little or no imagination to write or produce. Anyone can do it and they make millions of dollars just in their opening weekend. They piss me off because I wish I had thought of the idea first.

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“Point Break” Sequel Will Make Future Generations Cry

If you liked the catchy dialogue of Keanu Reeve’s performance in the first “Point Break” with such memorable lines as “Whoa,” “Dude” and “Whoa dude,” have we got good news for you.

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