Archive for May, 2008

‘Hulk’ Ready for Close Up (But We’re Not) With New Pics

The new “Incredible Hulk” movie is just around the corner and some new pics have surfaced of the cast member walking around, staring at things and touching things. That’s $150 million in CGI effects that’s sure well spent folks.

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Some Shocking News: “Speed Racer” Sucks

After predicting the new “Speed Racer” remake would be a huge waste of time, money and eye usage, we are pleasantly surprised to report that it’s even worse than that.

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What’s Sure to Suck? Throw a Rock and You’ll Hit One

Once again we bravely traverse the movie section of your local newspaper, that is if your local newspaper has a movie section and hasn’t laid everyone in the Features department off to make more room for more Marmaduke cartoons, to see which are sure to suck this weekend. Don’t worry, I’ll let you hold my hand as we go through them. And if you’re wondering why these have just an extra touch of venom in them, it’s because today is my birthday and I also found a grey hair this morning in the bathroom mirror. Kutcher, you’re ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.

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Get Free Gum for Ruining a Crappy Director’s Career

If you thought the “Stop Uwe Boll” petition drive couldn’t get any more cutthroat or sadistic, think again. A candy company is using their considerable muscle to rally together their band of diabetic, flabby armed gamers to stop Boll in his tracks.

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‘Prince of Persia’ Remake Will Suck Harder than Anything that Has Ever Sucked Before

We all know that all video game movies suck. And we all know that all Jerry Bruckheimer movies suck. What would happen if someone combined the two? If the thought hasn’t made your head explode, then keep reading.

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Three Minutes of ‘Speed Racer’ Hits Web, Brick Wall

If you’re looking forward to the new big screen “Speed Racer” remake, kill yourself. But before you do check out this free three minutes of the film, THEN kill yourself.

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Wachowski Brothers to Hack, Slash Hack-n-Slash Ninja Films

Not content with completely destroying the Chinese culture with the kung-fu sci-fi “Matrix” trilogy and the non-anime remake of “Speed Racer,” the Wachowski Brothers are tackling the ninja movie.

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Cruise Returns to the Franchise that Made Him Who He is Today, Other Than His Nutty Religion

The man whose nuttier than a Payday bar is returning to the movie franchise that made him a star and made us want to wretch until we threw up an organ or two.

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