Archive for July, 2008

A Trailer So Bad, You’ll Want to Strangle a Muggle

At one time before one of the books came out, there were a stream of rumors that Harry Potter was going to be killed off by J.K. Rowling. Oh how I long for those sweet, carefree days.

A trailer has hit the web for yet another Harry Potter movie on YouTube, this time its “Harry Potter and the Something or Other I Didn’t Even Bother to Find the Title for Because I’m So Sick to Death of These Movies.”

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Back By Unpopular Demand, An “Alvin & the Chipmunks” Sequel

You knew this was coming, so let’s just pretend that it’s the nasty tasting cough medicine we all hated as a child, look at it and swallow it and go on with our lives, except this kind of cough medicine will make you want to stab your own brain.

The Movie Blog reported that a sequel to “Alvin and the Chipmunks” is in the works.

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There’s Always Room for J-Lo

If you’re wondering where Jennifer Lopez went, it’s time to start wishing you hadn’t.

Variety reports that the J.Lo-ster herself will start in another cookie cutter, run of the mill romantic comedy called “Governess.”

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Sucky Sequel Talk Surfaces at Comic Con

The annual Comic Con, that gathering of portly nerds with no jobs and loads of frequent flyer miles, has been stirring up all kinds of talks of movie sequels to films you may not believe deserve the sequel treatment.

Today’s MoviesOnline.ca has a slew of sequel news in their inbox.

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The Suck is Out There

Do you want to know the truth? Do you want to answer the questions no one in power bothers to ask? Do you want to believe? Well here it is, these movies are going to suck.

Here are the films and DVDs that are guaranteed to suck when they open this Friday both at a theater near you and on your home DVD player, according to the Internet Movie Database and Rotten Tomatoes.

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Matthew McConaughey to Star in Biopic “Surfer, Dude”

Some actors really don’t have to act. Keanu Reeves just talks and you’ve got your clueless urban hippie. Dane Cook gets all hopped up on uppers and whippets and just hand him a script that’s littered with board game references. Megan Fox steps in front of a camera and lets her Wonder Twins do the work for her.

Matthew McConaughey is no exception. He’s set to star in a movie about a clueless surfer who just wants to surf, dude, in the worst titled movie of the year, “Surfer, Dude.”

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“Top Gun” to Make More “Top Gunk”

Do you feel the need? The need for speed? Then get in your car and drive it off of a cliff as fast as you can.

Cinematical reports that a new “Top Gun” sequel is in the works and ready to do a flyby at a theater near you very soon.

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You Can’t Spell “Wow, This Movie Sucks” Without “WWE”

If you thought wrestling looked fake, wait until you see their movies, which is doubly sad since you know movies are supposed to be fake.

The World Wrestling Entertainment franchise have officially opened their own Hollywood film studio, according to Variety.

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“Plastic Man” to Become Keanu Reeves’ Most Aptly Titled Film Ever

When will the Wachowski brothers ever learn their lesson? Maybe when millions of blind, easily amused theater goers stop going to their movies and since that’s never going to happen, I guess ignorance is bliss.

Ain’t It Cool News reports that the team that brought you “The Matrix” is hard at work on a remake of the comic book character, “Plastic Man.”

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Wahlberg to Bring the Pain (Both to Audiences and His Enemies) to “Max Payne”

Can you believe it? A video game movie that’s destined to suck is about to hit the theaters and it ISN’T one directed by Uwe Boll? You’d better watch out, Uwe. Someone’s muscling in on your turf. Better crank out that unwatchable “Duck Hunt” remake before you find yourself on the unemployment line.

A new trailer for the “Max Payne” movie based on the video game of the same name found its way to the web this week.

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