Dumb Movies: Movies that Suck

Alone in the Dark

Something like this only happens once every two or three lifetimes. It’s the kind of moment that should be reserved for people who find the cure to some horrible disease or prevent an entire African village from starving. People who have so much karma in their spirit accounts, someone in Congress is trying to think of a way to tax them for it.

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“It’s Not Easy Being Green”

Most God fearing people think of envy as a deadly sin, a mortal blotch on your soul for St. Peter to see on your resume when you’re trying to get that sweet champagne supermodel pool boy gig in Heaven. Not me.

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Wanna See Something Not Really Scary?

Everyone has fear. It’s ingrained in our psyche. Anyone who denies it is lying, dead or both.We all aren’t afraid of the same things, but we still have it. If two people were walking through the forest and happened upon a snake, one person might wet themselves, climb the nearest tree and continue wetting themselves while the other person might pick up the slimy little guy, pet him and treat him like a small child would treat a person. The second person is nearsighted and does a lot of acid.

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You’re Out of Your Element

Belief is a funny thing. One person may think something is the most brilliant book, movie or song they have ever heard and another person will read, watch or hear the exact same thing and think their head has just been raped by evil spirits.Part of the fun of movies is showing the people you like (or least want to throw screaming from the top of a building) the films they generally wouldn’t watch if you weren’t in their lives. The other part is full of pain, humiliation and memories that you wish a swift kick to the skull would erase.

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Just Say ‘JuNO’

It’s a very rare time when a movie can bring together an audience made up of people from different backgrounds, neighborhoods and walks of life. Most mainstream movies are obsessed with attracting the highest audience possible, so they suck all the life and uniqueness out of it, which isn’t hard to do since most movie producers are technically vampires anyway.

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Ashes to Ashes, Dumb to Dumb

There will come a time when our civilization will fall, crumble and turn into nothing but dust and fossilized remains for some future civilization to uncover and put in museums to help their people understand how far they’ve come as a species.When that time comes, let’s pray archaeologists don’t excavate a 2 million year old Blockbuster.

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You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling

There’s something missing from today’s movie multiplexes other than quality films, sticky theater floors that don’t feel like the killing floor of a slaughterhouse and money in your wallet after you leave.It’s hard to describe because frankly the last time it was there, we were all little kids. Going to movies used to be fun. Now it feels like waiting in line at the DMV. You stand in long lines to stand in even longer lines to stand in more, even loner lines and the whole time you’re miserable and hopeless because you know what’s waiting for you at the end of those lines isn’t worth the life minutes you wasted waiting to get to it and both moments end with you being snorted at by some heavyset woman who’s life dreams died the moment she dropped out of community college.

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Indiana Jones and the Last of My Patience

“Indiana Jones” is without a doubt the greatest movie character franchise in history. Fans of other franchises may argue differently to keep their existence in check and their reason for living on life support, but deep down they know it to be true.So all you hardcore James Bond fans there can just live and let die.

All you “Star Trek” fans can take your final frontier and shove it right up your deep space nine.

All you die-hard “Star Wars” fans can go suck an Ewok.

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