Here’s what is “Sure to Suck” this weekend at a theater near you.

It pains me to put this one on the list, but “Ghost Town” is sure to be an underground ectoplasmic river of suck.

It stars Ricky Gervais as a total a-hole who dies for a few minutes during a visit to the doctor and somehow picks up the ability to talk to the dead when he wakes up. So there is an upside to go to an HMO after all.

Gervais is such a comedy genius. Everything he writes and produces is pure gold. This is written by people who think they can write for Gervais’ style, in other words people like me.

Then our sure lock for the week, “My Best Friend’s Girl.” Why will this one suck? Well it stars Dane Cook and I think I’ll just stop right there.

It’s about two old friends who decide to go on a cross country trip in order to keep their families together amid a series of scandals and controversies. The scandal being that no one can believe that someone let Tyler Perry make another movie and the controversy being that anyone will believe that people will actually see it.

Next up is a movie in limited release this weekend and let’s hope it stays that way. Matthew McConaghey stars as Matthew McConaghey in the world’s worst titled film, “Surfer, Dude.”

It’s about a world champion surfer who comes home to find that his managers have sold him out to a money mad millionaire who wants to exploit his good looks and hot body for a quick buck. It’s also known by it’s original title, “The Matthew McConaghey Story.”

Here’s what is “Sure to Suck” this weekend at a theater near you.

It’s been awhile since Vin Diesel has made a big blockbuster action film, and after you see “Babylon A.D.,” you’ll see why.

Diesel plays a mercenary who has to escort a woman from Russia to America, but little does he know that a group of crazed cultists are trying to nab the woman so they can harvest her DNA to create a scientifically modified Messiah. It’s Jesus 2.0! He’s not only more forgiving, but he can produce twice as many loaves and fishes as the original model.

So why shouldn’t you see this one? Well, the director himself, as we reported yesterday, said the film was horrible and came off as “a bad episode of ‘24.’” It’s a good thing he held back and didn’t say what we really thought of the movie.

Then there’s the sure lock of the week, “Disaster Movie,” from the people who brought you “Date Movie,” “Epic Movie” and “God This is a Really Horrible Movie.”

The trailer feature parodies and caricatures of “Iron Man,” “The Incredible Hulk,” “Sex and the City,” “Hancock” and absolutely no disaster movie. So one can only assume that the title is referring to the film itself being a disaster.

Why do these crappy parody films keep getting made? Because you keep going to see them. So if you don’t want them at your local theater anymore, don’t go see them. If the temptation is too strong, go poke your eyes out. You’ll be doing both of us a favor.

The movie theaters and DVD stores are bound to be filled with new releases that will make you want to release something all over them. These are the movies that are “Sure to Suck” this weekend.

First in theaters, there’s “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2,” which is only one of two films in history that cannot be altered in anyway to make it sound like a porno film other than the original title, the first being “The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.”

The first film put the “suck” in “moderate success” so the studios decided to bring it back a second time because…actually I have no idea why. It’s not a classic cult film. It’s not a huge blockbuster. It’s not even something women would drag their angry boyfriends to with the promise of a handjob and popcorn.

If you didn’t like the first “Starship Troopers,” you won’t like this one three times as much since it’s the third film in the series called “Starship Troopers 3: Marauder” coming to DVD this weekend.

The bugs are back again because Earth keeps leaving food out overnight and Johnny Rico, played by Casper Van Dien, to bring in the biggest can of Raid and wipe the scourge out once and for all.

There’s just something very attractive about a direct-to-DVD flick that’s based on a blockbuster that once raked in a ton of cash years ago. It’s almost the cinematic equivalent of taking it out back and putting it down Ol’ Yeller style without actually doing that and going to jail for first-degree murder.

Here are the films and DVDs that are guaranteed to suck when they open this Friday both at a theater near you and on your home DVD player, according to the Internet Movie Database and Rotten Tomatoes.

First there’s the “The X-Files” follow up called “I Want to Believe,” which is the title the fans gave to it. The full title is “I Want to Believe that This is Going to Be a Quality Movie.”

Not much is known about the plot. It’s been kept under very close wraps since the film started shooting, just to build the tension and keep the conspiracies flying before the movie could have a chance to premiere. Frankly, I don’t care what the story is. I’d just be happy if someone could figure how this series has so many damn fans. Watching David Duchovny as Mulder is like watching a statue slowly come to life.

The film includes the entire principal cast from the television show as well as a few new faces including actor/comedian Billy Connolly, actress Amanda Peet and rapper Xhibit. Why doesn’t this movie include a rap song about the movie, the way “Men in Black” did? Not that the song would be any good. I just wanted to see Gillian Anderson dressed the way I picture her in my head, as an Xhibit backup dancer.

Then on DVD comes the sequel to the crappy 80s classic “The Lost Boys” called “The Lost Boys: The Tribe” starring Corey Feldman and Corey Haim in the movie that made them stars for approximately 14 and a half minutes.

The movie focuses on a brother and sister who move into the town with their aunt after their parents are killed in a plane wreck. The sister falls in love with a local hunk who turns out to be a vampire and once again, it’s up to the Frogs to do a little exterminating. It’ll make you want to drive a stake through your own heart in which case if you like it, then you obviously don’t have one, so you’re screwed.

This action, sci-fi adventure based on the book by Jules Verne has the taste of another overblown action adventure all over and that’s only from the commercials. It stars Brenden Fraser, features a T-Rex and more screaming than a bondage porn flick. If you’re going to see this film, make sure you bring your ear plugs and a set of horse blinders.

Then there’s yet another Eddie Murphy movie that I don’t even have to say the title of because you know it’s going to be bad just by looking at the cast list.

What happened to Eddie Murphy? He used to appear in so many great movies, classic movies like “48 Hrs.,” “Beverly Hills Cop,” “Trading Places” and “Coming to America.” Granted, chances are I would have thought all of these films would suck before I’ve seen them, but that’s my point. He doesn’t surprise anybody anymore. The very thought of having to watch a new Eddie Murphy is like knowing you’ve got an appointment with your proctologist in the morning.

Here’s what “Sure to Suck” at the theaters and on DVD this weekend.

First up, there’s “Hancock,” a movie we’ve been trashing for awhile and rightfully so because it a superhero movie that makes “Spider Man 3″ look like “Spider Man” and “Spider Man 2″ combined.

Will Smith plays a superhero in need of an extreme PR makeover since he’s basically Nick Nolte with superpowers. After he saves a PR guru played by Jason Bateman, he tries to reshape and soften his image so the public will like and accept him. We’re sure it’s going to have some sappy moralistic ending where the audience is supposed to learn that it’s OK to be yourself, but it will hard for them to accept when they are wishing they could burn every print of the movie by the time the final credits roll.

Then on DVD this week, there’s “Meet the Browns,” another movie from director and screen scribe Tyler Perry that’s sure to earn him another paycheck that he can use as a coaster or something since he already has so many of them.

Seriously, why does this guy keep getting the opportunity to make these horrid, unfunny movies? Because they make everyone who’s involved with them a butt-load of money. By the way, a “butt-load” is also a great way to describe Tyler Perry’s movies.

We have nothing against Steve Carell, but he’s no Don Adams and besides, it was inevitable that “Get Smart” would be remade into a big feature length film since it’s one of the few Hollywood hasn’t remade yet. Pretty soon they’ll run out of shows and we’ll be forced to watch big screen remakes of “Flavor of Love,” “The View” and “The 5 O’Clock News: The Movie.”

Mike Myers also returns to the screens this weekend with his latest catchphrase throwing, stereotype promoting, phallic symbol showing character in “The Love Guru.”

Myers plays Pitka, an American raised by gurus who tries to make his way into the self-help business by taking on a disgruntled hockey player whose been jilted by his wife just days before the start of the NHL Stanley Cup. Right there, the plot doesn’t make sense. If you coach a hockey team, don’t you want your players to be as angry as possible before they hit the ice? If I was coaching an NHL team, the night before the start of the Stanley Cup, I would get all of my players’ wives to have a huge affair with each other, have their cars repossessed for no reason and put a live ferret in their pants just before the first game. The ferrets would just make me laugh.

The movie seems to have more going for it than the first one did, but it still seems silly to make a sequel to a movie that not many people thought was very good in the first place. It’s like having a nail shoved through your foot and then you wistfully think back to that time a nail got shoved through your foot. The only wistful thoughts I have from the first “Hulk” movie was when I was leaving the theater.

But surely “The Incredible Hulk” can’t be as bad as M. Night Shyamalan’s next big budget thriller called “The Happening” about a mass suicide epidemic. Sounds like the audiences for “Lady in the Water.”

The film doesn’t have much going for it so far. Shymalan hasn’t made a decent film in a long time and Rotten Tomatoes has given it a 33 percent rating two days before it opens. It better have an awesome twist ending that literally makes people’s brains explode. It better not just be, “Oh, the entire movie took place in a twisted, drug addled midget’s head. Good night. I promise my next movie will be better.”

That would be Uwe Boll’s latest dud to date, “Postal,” another overblown film that aims to recreate the video game experience for the big screen without giving the audience the option to pause the damn thing midway through it.

It’s being called Boll’s most ambitious, clever and satirical film to date, which for Boll’s films is like naming your favorite type of cancerous tumor. According to early interviews and previews of the film, Boll aims to wound the P.C. movement by making jokes out of 9/11, terrorism, anthrax, Al-Qaida, George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden, killing babies and worldwide tyranny. We can’t help but champion Boll’s cause, but he’s probably the last person we would want to lead such a cause other than Osama Bin Laden and George W. Bush. At least when Bin Laden knows how to produce and release an entertaining film every few months.