Dumb Movies: Sure to Suck

Once again we bravely traverse the movie section of your local newspaper, that is if your local newspaper has a movie section and hasn’t laid everyone in the Features department off to make more room for more Marmaduke cartoons, to see which are sure to suck this weekend. Don’t worry, I’ll let you hold my hand as we go through them. And if you’re wondering why these have just an extra touch of venom in them, it’s because today is my birthday and I also found a grey hair this morning in the bathroom mirror. Kutcher, you’re ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.

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Are you looking forward to see something this weekend at your local theater? Have you been burned so many times by bad movies that you’ve avoided the movie theater altogether and turned into a pale hermit that gets less sunlight than the moon? We’re here to help. These are the movies that are sure to suck this weekend.

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Once again we scan the local movie listings of your neighborhood newspaper (because it’s not like you actually read them unless the words “blonde,” “exposed” or “tassels” are in the headlines) to tell you what’s “Sure to Suck” at a theater near you.

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Every week before the opening films invade your local movie theater the way a tapeworm invades your stomach, we take a gander of your local listings to see which films are sure to suck. Hence the title, “Sure to Suck.” Pretty clever, ain’t it? I love alliteration.

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