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Wahlberg to Bring the Pain (Both to Audiences and His Enemies) to “Max Payne”

Can you believe it? A video game movie that’s destined to suck is about to hit the theaters and it ISN’T one directed by Uwe Boll? You’d better watch out, Uwe. Someone’s muscling in on your turf. Better crank out that unwatchable “Duck Hunt” remake before you find yourself on the unemployment line.

A new trailer for the “Max Payne” movie based on the video game of the same name found its way to the web this week.

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More Good News Other Than There is a God

All of my wishes are coming true. It’s just like Christmas except unwanted kids aren’t running around my house in front of my TV while I watch the game, there are no relatives around to create awkward conversations about bladder operations and Grandpa’s not drunk and calling the authorities to report a kidnapping because his kids are talking about putting him in a home.

After studios quashed rumors about a possible friends movie, it seems the creators of “The Sopranos” have whacked any chance of a similar movie, according to Cinematical.

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Journey to the Center of the Sure to Suck

Another weekend, another strain of endless time with nothing to do, another list of movies that are sure to reek more than cheese that’s been left on the surface of the sun. These are the movies you should avoid at the theaters this weekend.

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ABBA Vows to End Its Reign of Terror

Technically this isn’t movie news except for the fact that happened at a premiere for a movie that looks and sounds like it could kill people with its very soul.

The disco tripe churner ABBA announced they will never get together for a reunion, according to the the AP.

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Finally…Some Good News About a Bad Movie

In the few months I’ve been doing this blog, I’m happy to report that FINALLY I have some good news to report for the first time in our short history. Uwe Boll is retiring in flames kind of good. The guy who make the “Movie” parody movies are now managing a 7-11 kind of good.

There will not be a “Friends” movie, according to The Movie Blog.

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Maybe Al Gore Was Right AND Dull…

There must be waves of heat stroke criss crossing the country because with a few exceptions, a lot of bad movies have been scoring the number one box office spot.

The superhero spoof “Hancock” earned the top at the box office during the coveted Fourth of July weekend, according to IMDB.com.

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We Won’t Resort to Any Obvious and Cheap Jokes About How ‘Hancock’ Sucks in This Week’s ‘Sure to Suck’

The Fourth of July weekend is coming up, so you’ve got to have some plans by now. Maybe you should go to a barbecue to take a blanket and some beer to a quiet hill and watch some fireworks with that special someone. How about a trip to the movies? Sure, if you’re a big ol’ Communist.

Here’s what “Sure to Suck” at the theaters and on DVD this weekend.

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What Happened with “The Happening”?

M. Night Shyamalan’s latest shock ‘n shout fest “The Happening” didn’t happen. Surprise!

According to Rotten Tomatoes, the film barely pulled in $60 million after more than two weeks in released and has the lowest percentage critic rating among this week’s top 10 highest grossing movies. This means it’s destined to become not just one of the worst rating and successful films of the summer, but perhaps of the entire year.

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These Movies Do Not Compute

Things are a little slow out here at Casa de PelĂ­culas Mudas what with Pixar’s new “Wall-e” being all sweet and cute and melting everyone’s heart into sweet tasting goo. Damn you Pixar! Why do your movies have to kick so much ass? Every time you make a good movie, one of my children doesn’t get to eat.

So in honor of Pixar’s latest masterpiece, we present some dumb movies about robots.

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Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice

As if the “Transformers” movie couldn’t get any more messed up, it’s about to get a weird cameo and no it’s not Cracker, the autobot who can turn into a broken down, double wide trailer with no wheels.

According to Ain’t It Cool News, a picture of Beetlejuice from the Howard Stern Show’s Wack Pack appeared in a set shot for the new “Transformers” flick.

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