These Movies Do Not Compute

Things are a little slow out here at Casa de PelĂ­culas Mudas what with Pixar’s new “Wall-e” being all sweet and cute and melting everyone’s heart into sweet tasting goo. Damn you Pixar! Why do your movies have to kick so much ass? Every time you make a good movie, one of my children doesn’t get to eat.

So in honor of Pixar’s latest masterpiece, we present some dumb movies about robots.

First off, there’s the classically bad 1953 sci-fi epic “Robot Monster” about a (you guessed it) robot monster sent to Earth to collect humans for “The Great One.” The robot gets money for collecting the humans and even more if he can find some who are still in their original packaging.

Eventually he gets to know the humans better and vows to protect humanity instead of destroy it. It should be noted that the “robot monster” in this movie is really just a guy in a really big gorilla suit with a bucket on his head that has two antenna sticking out of it. I’m sure what they didn’t spent on costumes, they spent on script, video production, special effects and catering.

Next let’s zip ahead to the 1980s for the “cleverly” titled chop ‘em up horror flick “Chopping Mall” about a group of murderous, malfunctioning robots who try to kill a group of teenagers who have locked themselves in a mall while having a wild sex party. The film was endorsed by the Catholic Church.

Rather than bore you with details of its rather simple plot or its extreme badness, here instead is a shot of the movie of one of the robots taking down a half naked teenager who was dumb enough to wander away from the group alone, in the dark, without any real weapons to speak of and in her underwear.

Remember kids, if you’re trying to survive against a band of murderous robots, don’t forget to wear pants.

Finally from Dreamworks, the movie studio that wishes they could be half as good as Pixar, comes “Robots,” a lukewarm version of the “Wall-e” movie, which is equally bad considering it came out three years before “Wall-e” even made it to film.

It features an all-star cast of characters including Robin Williams who did about three kilos of coke and boned up on 20 years of pop culture references to prepare for his part. Why does every kids movie that Robin Williams appears in including jokes and references to things that go way over the heads of the kids who would actually watch it? Maybe he thinks all the kids in his audiences are on coke too.