Can you believe it? A video game movie that’s destined to suck is about to hit the theaters and it ISN’T one directed by Uwe Boll? You’d better watch out, Uwe. Someone’s muscling in on your turf. Better crank out that unwatchable “Duck Hunt” remake before you find yourself on the unemployment line.

A new trailer for the “Max Payne” movie based on the video game of the same name found its way to the web this week.

We, of course, have it here (1) for you to watch and (2) so we can rip it apart with our bare hands with our patented “Trashed Trailer” feature. Just wait for the times below and read along with the YouTube video.

00:05 – Mark Walhberg is Esther Williams in “No Swimming Allowed.”

00:43 – Beau Bridges tells Walhberg, “When the people a man needs get taken away from him, you can’t ever go back to who you were before.” He adds, “You know, like when your brother, Donnie, left ‘New Kids on the Block.’”

00:54 – We dare you to watch this shootout and not think of “The Matrix” at least 500 times. Oops, you lost. That’ll be $5.