Once again we bravely traverse the movie section of your local newspaper, that is if your local newspaper has a movie section and hasn’t laid everyone in the Features department off to make more room for more Marmaduke cartoons, to see which are sure to suck this weekend. Don’t worry, I’ll let you hold my hand as we go through them. And if you’re wondering why these have just an extra touch of venom in them, it’s because today is my birthday and I also found a grey hair this morning in the bathroom mirror. Kutcher, you’re ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower.
First up, there’s “Speed Racer,” a movie we’ve been picking on for a long while and deservedly so because it’s yet another overblown remake of a classic childhood icon and turns into having your brain wiped clean by a homeless man with a squeegee. The Wachowski Brothers, the guys behind “The Matrix” trilogy, are responsible for making this, which is just about the most perfect insult I can give it to end this review.

Just like Jason, Ashton Kutcher returns once every few years to bring horror and terror to millions and this one should be no exception except Jason does a much better job of slaying his audiences. Ashton Kutcher plays, well, Ashton Kutcher in “What Happens in Vegas,” a movie about a guy who marries Cameron Diaz in a drunken stupor and is forced to live with her so he can get a divorce. Now if I were Cameron, I’d understand. If suicide would speed up the process, I wouldn’t even consult my attorney first. But if I were Ashton, I wouldn’t. If Cameron Diaz accidentally married me, I’d lock her in the basement so she couldn’t get anywhere near the word “divorce” and the best part is I know I wouldn’t have to feed her much in order to keep her alive.

And how many more movies will involve Ashton Kutcher marrying hot chicks and bumbling his way through marriage like it’s a Keystone Kops film but with better dialogue? He married Tara Reid in “My Boss’ Daughter,” Brittany Murphy in “Just Married” and now Cameron Diaz. At the rate he’s churning out this crap, he’s going to run out of Hollywood starlets to fake boink on camera and pretty soon, we’ll be forced to watch swill like “Hitched” starring Ashton Kutcher and Elizabeth Taylor, “Don’t Trip Over the Threshold” with Ashton Kutcher and Judi Dench and “I Do…You” starring Ashton Kutcher and the reanimated corpse of Jessica Tandy.